Garden to Grow

had to been about twelve years old
sprouted in the fall
couldn’t quite break the mold,
hearts matched the sky
dull, unnoticed
my mom said
‘Please don’t lose focus,
there’s a reason for these kind of seasons
you just have to sit back and listen
to your heart, embrace the cold'
she smiled ‘under all that snow’
‘will be a garden to grow’

it’s a deep feeling in my bones
to be so young and feel so alone,
said I’m fine but I
can’t seem to bloom,
were the seeds I'd been given doomed?

four years later I had regret
had my first fight with my first friend,
words I can never let them know
because I’m so ashamed you became a foe,
maybe I was open
maybe I was nervous
or maybe I did it on purpose
cause I feel like my soil has toxins
that keeps me hanging in darkness,
planted grief and planted sorrow
I didn’t ask myself
is this really what I want my garden to grow?

it’s a deep feeling in my bones
to be so young and feel so alone,
said I’m fine but I
can’t seem to bloom,
were the seeds I'd been given doomed?

years pass on and I’m twenty-three
isolated from all I used to be
numb to all who had hurt me,
I think I had an epiphany
moved in me like a symphony
I polluted my own life
twisted up like the knife
that I used
to extract the poison infused
an iris bruised
thoughts I consumed,
‘was I ever enough?’
this is gonna be tough but
I don’t know,
but I think it’s time for my garden to grow

it’s a deep feeling in my bones
whispers in a hallowed tone,
said ‘she’s fine but she
hasn’t bloomed,
seems to me her seeds are doomed’

I’m twenty-five and I
got advice,
took all I had but I survived,
clear the air in my
smoking room,
and I think that you could assume
I’m tending here
nice and slow
blooming more than you could ever know
gets better
I suppose,
when you give it time for your garden to grow

it’s a deep feeling in my bones
knowing when you truly have grown,
when I say 'I'm happy' would you
put on my gravestone
that I grew and I bloomed
into something,
even seeds couldn't've doomed